Raise your voices!

It's that time again--and single U.S. women in droves (estimate is 20 million) did not vote in the 2004 elections. But the truth is, your voice matters. Think about this, single women who DID vote made up 22% of the voting population--ladies, that's a lot of voting power! A quote from the president of NOW:

"Without our voices, so many of the issues that affect our families will not become a priority. Without our voices our perspective on how to solve some of our nation's and our state's most intractable problems will not be taken into account."

Here's a helpful hint from Missy, a SWWAN in Las Vegas:

"I just found a really great site that gives a good overview of issues/questions up for a vote this year! Just enter your zip and PRESTO - the issues are broken down and explained in non-legal-ese!! I thought I would pass it along - it really made me rethink a few issues that I thought - first blush - I understood!"

Like many people, you may feel uncomfortable because you don't have a handle on the who/what/why of voting (you mean you don't have time to study all 34 of the candidates running for those 6 judge positions?--of COURSE you don't--you're a single working woman!). This site can help, especially with issues. www.vote-smart.org

Let's make it a grand SWWAN year at the polls.

Taiwan wants women to have more kids

Hard to believe this could be happening in our modern world of population explosions... The government of Taiwan is allocating a ton of money and lowering restrictions on paying maternity leaves to urge more women to have kids. Apparently the country's birthrate has declined to 1.1 kids per mom, and that's lower than surrounding countries. The article partly attributes this to the fact that there, too, more young people are choosing to remain single--the phenomenon is not confined to the U.S.

Like the forego-the-birth-control, "be fruitful and multiply" philosophy of the Orthodox Jewish religion which makes it a "mitzvah" (good deed) to have lots of kids, and of the Roman Catholics (well, at least what used to be--for decades a certain percentage of Catholics are known to go "priest shopping" to find one with an open mind about birth control), the fact that many groups believe they need to populate the world (in many cases, specifically with their own kind) isn't going away anytime soon.

Movie review: Loverboy spotlights parental attachment issues

Whoa. You know how when something hits you between the eyes you open them a little wider. Saw a movie lasta night called Loverboy, starring Kevin Bacon (though you have to struggle to recognize his character, and this is his debut as a director), Matt Dillon, jeepers-Sandra-Bullock, and especially Kyra Sedgwick (the filmmaker adores her with the camera throughout the movie). Review here.

This is a film that addresses powerfully and directly some of the issues we wrote about in a recent post here surrounding young single women deciding to have babies on their own. It addresses some things almost no one wants to think about in regard to this phenomenon--like could single mothers who have babies on their own get inappropriately attached to those kids and in their possessiveness keep them from having wholly healthy experiences. And it juxtaposes this examination with a fairly hard-hitting look at the other messy issue we've recently talked about: how having two parents doesn't mean you're going to raise an emotionally healthy kid. After all, in this film the devoted/possessive single mom was raised by two parents who adored each other.

It's not a great movie. It's a bit too focused on "ain't Kyra beautiful." And it's kind of tragic, especially the ending. But it looks at some tough issues that we're probably going to see more often as women increasingly choose to remain single and also to seek motherhood--and by the way as more married women delay motherhood and end up going for in-vitro fertilization, which often results in a passionate attachment on both parents' parts to the child that's finally born. So if you don't want to look at those kinds of issues, don't see the film.

But I guess I'd say the same thing about Bridges of Madison County, which addresses uncomfortable issues surrounding love and marriage and infidelity.

Two drinks a day good for healthy men

In case we wanted to know, this study indicates that for guys who don't smoke, who eat a healthy diet, and who exercise regularly, having two drinks of any kind of alcohol each day is consistent with a far lower incidence of heart attack than for guys who don't drink or drink only half a drink a day. As always with medical studies, they're not claiming causality, just association.

Still, it's good news to know that enjoying alchohol in moderation might be not only mind-altering relaxing for the moment but actually good for you in the long run. Let's hope they hurry up and confirm this for women.

But speaking of living longer, it's our position here at SWWAN that when single working women's position in society is elevated to its proper place, our generally higher rates of frequency of illness and earlier death will decrease significantly. And here's a BBC report on a study that indicates social status and cohesiveness have a strong bearing on longevity. Notice Japan's higher life expectancy (keeping mind, of course, that all these statistics are for men only...)

LIFE EXPECTANCY RATES
1. Japan 81.3
2. Sweden 79.9
3. Canada 79.2
4. Spain 79.1
5. Switzerland 79.0
5. Australia 79.0
7. Israel 78.9
8. Norway 78.7
8. France 78.7
10. Italy 78.6
15. UK 77.9
18. US 76.9
Source: UN Development Programme

And if you want more to read about social status and health (and how science works with alternative therapies), I love this book: Manifesto for a New Medicine, written by a physician who discovered through his own inability to be healed by western medicine that we in the west don't know everything there is to be known about staying well and about healing--and we seriously underestimate the role of love and sharing.

Changing the world - one woman at a time

It's surprising to discover that you can change your attitude about something just from listening to a person speak at a public event. Liz Ryan, the founder and CEO of WorldWIT.org, an extraordinarily successful online community for women, inspired the heck out of me the other day when she spoke at a local workshop about how she got to where she is. And when I combed the website in detail, I found all of the writing so clear and honest and entertaining that I wanted to read everything!

Anyway, Liz writes and talks with passion and humor about her former life as a corporate HR exec ("I apologize to you right now for that," she says as a deeply sincere aside) and her adventures since leaving that world. As we SWWANs know, we women are all about stories (our software to let you share yours here should be ready soon), and Liz and other WorldWIT bloggers and contributors have an endless supply to encourage and inspire every one of us. Particularly noted one today about gender pay equity--that is, how it doesn't exist and what it really costs you over a lifetime (in case you need a hint: a LOT).

Thanks for the passion and the sharing and the joy, Liz and WorldWIT.

Number of parents = healthy adults?

Kids who grew up with both parents working or with a single parent faced many struggles that kids in a financially-well-off home with two parents didn't. Not to say that some of those kids don't face unique challenges, too.

But you know, you can look at young grownups, one of whom was raised in a two-parent family and the other who was raised after the divorce, and you usually find they have their own unique hangups and issues. We can decry the end of the two-parent family--and I heaven knows it can be wonderful when you've got two emotionally healthy parents truly committed to using loving-but-with-clear-limits best practices in child rearing--but since when have we been producing flawless adults out of that arrangement? It just doesn't happen, which says to me we're barking up the wrong tree to assign blame to the single factor of the number of parents a kid is brought up with.

While "having it all" is a myth and always has been, it's shortsighted to think that by an either/or equation we've exhausted the possibilities for finding better ways to raise kids to be healthy, happy, kind and caring adults.

A few statistics on how many of today's young women are going to work, saving money, and then becoming moms.

Got a corporate stalemate? Check out mediation services

Single working woman Janice Kopec has spent 20 years in business as a negotiator, manager, and administrator. Not long ago she saw a need and decided to start her own professional mediation services business. To prepare herself, this single working mom found time in addition to her job and family to undergo the rigorous training required, and she also got certified in managing workplace conflict. Jan, tell us how you managed that!?

Her company, Southwest Mediation Services, offers mediation as an alternative to litigation for parties involved in a dispute. The service uses a process by which a neutral third party, the mediator, works with both parties to negotiate mutually beneficial settlements.

Jan works with a team of other professionally trained mediators to help both individuals and organizations resolve conflicts. Their main focus is business but they also work in other areas: *School *Elder *Divorce & Custody *Family *Post-Decree *Business and *Healthcare. The company is located in the Cleveland, Ohio area but serves businesses and others throughout the country.

Jan and her team members are happy to come and speak to you and/or your organization about how mediation can save money, frustration, and relationships.

Call Jan at 440.478.4233 or email her.

Mom--single and otherwise--books

Have seen this exact writeup in more than one place--can't tell who wrote the original and who copied, but the books sound good so I'll quote it all and give you links to both sources:

♦“The Complete Single Mother,” by Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness (Adams Media, $16.95), has been updated with a new chapter on raising children who have special needs.

The Q&A format and soothing tone resemble the extremely popular “What to Expect” series, but the authors don’t shy away from gritty topics that define the lives of as many as 9 million single mothers in the United States: finding a reputable attorney, financial issues, custody rights, Internet dangers, dealing with an ex-spouse’s family, as well as dating, sex and remarriage.

♦All mothers will get a laugh (and a reprieve from perfection) with “The Kid Turned Out Fine” (Adams Media, $14.95), edited by Paula Ford-Martin. Dozens of moms nationwide ’fess up to their biggest screw-ups, and some are howlers.

♦Wickedly funny Jenny McCarthy, author of the New York Times bestseller “Baby Laughs,” is back with a sequel, “Life Laughs: The Naked Truth About Motherhood, Marriage and Moving On,” (Dutton, $23.95).

Having given up the ridiculous notion of having it all, McCarthy talks about her painful divorce, sagging breasts, porn flicks, potty training and then ends with her favorite quotes from the Dalai Lama. It’s a kick."

source 1, source 2

Nuclear weapon tested in North Korea

News like this is not good for people and other living things. North Korea has detonated a nuclear "test" as a deterrent to a U.S. attack.

I just finished watching the History channel's story on how the atomic bomb was invented. Albert Einstein was talked into using his influence to convince President Roosevelt to urge U.S. scientists to create the technology before Germany did. After the war we found that Germany wasn't even remotely close to getting it. And then it was too late--the Cold War was underway and kids in school were being taught to dive under their desks in the event of an attack (a ridiculously futile maneuver in the case of an atomic bomb).

Someone said the other day that the 20th century was the most violent in human history--World Wars I and II, Korea, Israel, Vietnam, and countless others. With this news, it's looking like a new cold war is threatening to start off the 21st century. Let's do all that we can to see that the 20th century keeps that dubious distinction.

Experiment to help more working women vote

The Indiana county where Purdue University is located is proposing to let voters register online and choose where they'd like to be able to vote--an innovation that's likely to increase working women's ability to vote by letting them vote where they work instead of having to squeeze it into an already jammed morning routine at home (pets, kids, chores, much-needed sleep, whatever).

A system like this has been in use for three years in Colorado with good results. Interestingly, this story in Indiana State University's online student paper has its editorial board posing a question: why Purdue first? I wrote to the editor to ask if he'd mind sharing what he thought the answer might be. Rest of the story here.

Parenting problems single moms won't have

Wrote yesterday about the passion and love that a single woman who chooses to become a mother might bring to raising her child. Today, read a very interesting article by a psychotherapist who found herself troubled as her clients (well-to-do Hollywood parents) began to change--into people who wanted so much for their children that they stop asking anything of them. It's a good read if you have 10 minutes. So the Torah Is a Parenting Guide? (I can just hear my former mother-in-law saying, Nu?)

Having been a single mother for quite a few years, I can guarantee you that few single moms will have the parenting problems described in this story. Single moms, unless they have a very active and helpful dad or other family members involved, are not likely to have the time and energy it takes to overprotect their kids. And as for not asking the kids to help around the house, that just ain't gonna happen.

Single women choosing motherhood cause a stir

Yes, single women choosing to become mothers is a controversial issue. Surely not a decision any woman would make lightly. And few people really believe that most kids wouldn't like to have a mom and a dad who loved them. But consider the kids who do have both parents, one or both of whom could be judged as not having their kids' best interests at heart. Happens every day.

This article cites research all over the place. As you know, research is like statistics--what you find is heavily influenced by what you go looking for. And to prove that kids prefer living equal time in two separate houses, this one study had to go to "kids" already in college--not likely to be representative of the feelings of little ones. I can tell you from observation, even when both parents are incredibly mature, peaceful people, it can be really tough on young kids to be shuttled constantly back and forth between homes.

But in this day when more women are choosing to remain single (because they haven't found someone they consider a suitable mate), the idea that they "shouldn't" become mothers is something that requires thinking through--not just jumping to a conclusion. For those who claim these single women are just satisfying their own needs--first, you've got to be kidding, right? Just THINK about the amount of work she's committing herself to. And second, what are the couples who go through multiple cycles of IVF doing? Does it somehow become less self-seeking because there are two people involved? And if you've already had a child--unless you suffered greatly to have that baby--there is no way you can truly understand the depth for some women of that hunger to have a child.

Children of divorce whose dads abandon them. Children of miserable marriages. The kind of adults we become is profoundly influenced by what we see, endure and learn when we are kids. Even kids from the most disturbed and abusive situations can grow up to give incredible gifts to the world (Oprah Winfrey is only the most shining example). For some, all it takes is a single loving person to touch their lives. To say that a single woman who makes the incredibly difficult decision to have a child on her own could not give far more than that is just missing the point.

Low self-esteem a myth?

Saw this in a news alert today... "Single women often have low self-esteem about their single status... [but] Research shows that employers view single people as more career-oriented and hard working than their..."--presumably the next words are "married counterparts."

Unfortunately, I can't give you the lowdown on the rest of the article. It's from an Irish news website that makes you register--but then doesn't send you a confirmation and a password--even when you ask again. Makes you wonder if it's legit... So I pasted into the Google searchbar - "single women low self-esteem" to see what else would come up.

Found some old material from 2001--some guy wondering where all the women with abysmal self-esteem were since the single women he knew were all busy, successful and going to grad school or engaged in some exciting career move. UNLESS, he said, they're really crying inside and don't want to reveal their vulnerability to guys-who-are-predators-anyway. And a response from a couple of young women helping the guy out by telling him where to look--basically everywhere.

I vividly recall a time--was I divorced or just working up to it?--when I studied the book called "Creative Visualization" by Shakti Gawain and practiced what it preached for many, many months. Write down the positive things you want to believe, to have happen, it said. Those are called affirmations and you're supposed to write them down in first, second and third person forms (that's "I am" "You are" and "[YOUR NAME] is"...loveable, a beautiful person, deserving of a good job, etc. etc.). They explained that this helps re-program your brain away from the negative beliefs you might be holding about yourself.

I can vouch for the fact that using positive affirmations is a powerful technique--it helped change my life dramatically. So if you ever have those down days or you struggle to feel worthy of the wonderful things you want to accomplish, get out your journal and start writing: "I deserve to earn $200,000 a year!"

Of course, first make sure you've got the necessary brains, training, experience, and guts to carry it off... " )