Research on cohabiting reaches questionable conclusion

Because I write a bioscience blog, I read a lot of medical and scientific topics. And I've learned to watch carefully for qualifying statements, extra information, study-size, and other limitations that can make conclusions tenuous or shaky.

Just found this article that's headed: "Marriage may protect against dementia." It makes it sound like living without a partner increases your risk of eventual cognitive impairment. But when you read the whole thing carefully, this report on a meeting of the Alzheimer's Association, notes that those who developed Alzheimer's were far more likely to have a certain gene marker than those who didn't. And that having lost a partner through death or divorce increased that risk by a factor of about 8. So "other factors besides cohabitation were at work." Yeah, for sure.

All the participants were Finnish citizens. I don't know what it's like to live alone in Finland. But the implication that people who don't cohabit also don't have social networks and close communication with other human beings seems totally out of line with my observations of many of today's single women--and with those of our next guest on the SWWAN Dive show, Dr. Kay Trimberger.

Dr. Kay, herself an ever-single adoptive mother, has done the research. And she reports that what appeared to be true 20 or 30 years ago about, for example, single mothers by choice is now proven to be totally inaccurate--now that studies have been set up by investigators who are not so biased about the subject.

As the quantum laws say, nothing happens that is independent of the effect of the observer. How much truer even of scientific studies, which rely on the observer to choose what will be observed and set the conditions for observing. You can see how this approach would tend to reinforce whatever the experimenter already believes--consciously or unconsciously.

Don't let the studies get you down! Listen live to our interview with sociologist Dr. Kay Trimberger, "The New Single Woman--Uncensored" on Friday August 15 at 11am CT/9am PT.

Fun at Single Working Women's Week holiday kickoff event in Chicago

Perfect time to remind single working women that the Single Working Women's Week holiday is an official annual occasion for you to buy yourself that piece of special jewelry you've been dreaming about all year!

During the holiday kickoff celebration in Chicago this year (the holiday is on ALL THIS WEEK, ladies--you've still got plenty of time!), Rebecca Gutermuth, owner of Radiance Fine Jewelry and designer of the beautiful solid silver SWWAN pendant, talked with single working woman Tara about buying jewelry that compliments your style.

• Stop by and visit Rebecca soon. Her store offers 25% off fine jewelry repairs all year long to SWWAN members.
• Want to use a mechanic you can trust? Go and see Luis Avila at SWWAN vendor Andre's Automotive Service. He offers SWWAN members a FREE 30-point inspection to help you keep your car in good shape.
• Hate taking time to get to the cleaners? Use SWWAN vendor Drive Cleaning's free home pickup and delivery service. SWWAN members get 20% off their first order.

We're looking for nominations of your favorite vendors. Places that treat women customers well--even when they come in alone! Send us your favorite restaurants, mechanics, hair salons, coffee shops, whatever. We'll talk with them and negotiate a discount or other offer exclusively for SWWAN members.

Happy Single Working Women's Week! Do something wonderful for a single friend.

Special-needs efforts can improve educational outcomes

Watched part of a television show last night on poor and under-served children around the world. Talked about how poverty feeds the thriving drug and little-girl-prostitution trades in India. Hmmm. Poverty drives the children to sell their bodies. What's driving the people who buy the children's innocence?

A PhD from Egypt says if schools learn to accept, mainstream, and challenge special-needs kids, the entire audience--kids of even advanced abilities--will benefit. What a wonderful concept. Passionately accommodate within the system those with the greatest needs, and the quality for all constituents improves. Think about the implications...

Single Working Women's Week is on NOW!

SWWANs Stephanie and Melissa talk about how much fun it is to have a holiday just for single women.

Stop by and take our survey--get a free gift. We're introducing our vendor network for SWWANs to get discounts and special services.

We're in Chicago this holiday week. Radiance Fine Jewelry is one of our original vendors--25 percent off fine jewelry repair for all SWWANs.

more tomorrow!

Does a "bad" woman make a story exciting? I bet she's single!

Good movies always seem to have some conflict between "the good" and "the bad." I'd love to do a survey sometime to see what percentage of the time the villain in a non-action film (where we expect the bad guy to be male because only another man can pose a worthwhile challenge to the male hero) is a female--and particularly a single female--versus a male. Do we find it easier to hate women?

Think about "Basic Instinct." I'd never seen that whole movie before until the other night. And now I see how this single woman is portrayed as a spider, a trapper--without ethics, morals or a heart. Seems like another male fantasy movie--the incredibly attractive, sexy female that draws men like flies is finally unveiled as evil. Hmmmm. We've been blaming the female for stuff since at least biblical times. Dr. Karen Lewis mentions the history of how females are assigned to care for all relationships in her great SWWAN Dive interview.

And then there is the Bridget Jones's Diary story. This poor single woman is desperate about being alone and is constantly worrying about how to change herself to catch a man. Then she sleeps with the guy who is a total user. She's not evil, but she's pathetic and personally weak and unempowered. If it weren't for the wonderful poignant humor, this would be a totally depressing film.

This weekend is the opening of Single Working Women's Week--our international celebration of all single working women. We're in Chicago for this and will have available at our event, at a SWWAN-member discount, Dr. Lewis's fascinating book, With or Without a Man, and her workbook of the same name. If you're in town, stop by and see us at Radiance Fine Jewelry, 2139 N. Damen. 11 - 4 on Saturday and 12 to 5 on Sunday.

Raising our consciousness

Many of us aren't aware of the subtle and insidious ways that society disapproves of us for being single. A listener shared her reaction to the SWWAN Dive interview with Dr. Karen Gail Lewis the other day. We appreciate this passionate comment from her:

"As your interview with Dr. Lewis unfolded, I kept thinking 'right on! right on! right on!"

"I sent the interview link to several coworkers - all professional women - who are recently or soon-to-be divorced and seem to be questioning why they feel so good about not having men in their lives. Dr. Lewis had the answer to that! I also sent the link to two friends who get depressed because they haven't found mates, and to a career coach who had related to me that "research shows women generally have a tougher time in retirement than men" so they could hear Dr. Lewis' challenges to biased research, ages-old cultural stereotypes and fears about single women.

"Her wise statement about being choosy in dating and getting involved with a man is key. Let's drop the denial - there are many substandard men out there, men who are indifferent to women's needs, their dreams and passions. These men STILL think women's lives must revolve around them. No matter what planet they come from, I don't believe it's our JOB as women to teach these men how to relate. It was gratifying to hear my point of view validated! Here we are forty years into "liberation" and women keep selling themselves short - stop the insanity! As Dr. Lewis said, knowing who's appropriate to let into one's life, not just settling for anybody is key. That's wisdom that should be spread far and wide!

"Thanks Barbara and Dr. Lewis for the great consciousness raising session and the resources you mentioned!" ~ S.W.

The Power of Now

No unhappiness. No pain. Constant peace, contentment, and joy. That's how authors describe the state of being enlightened. Sounds like a fantasy, right?

When did we first start talking about "enlightenment" in popular reading? Probably different for each of us, but it seems to be a universally known term these days. In Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now, he uses a question and reply format to explain what it means to be enlightened--that is, fully present in all you do, paying attention only to the exact moment you're in. He asks, "What problem do you have right this moment?" The answer, he says, is invariably, you don't have a problem.

How could that be, we might ask, if I am in pain? He says it's possible to observe your body--and your mind--from the perspective of your Being and know that you--the real you, your spiritual essence-- are separate from your suffering or your pain. He says we may experience fleeting moments of this full consciousness, where we feel and sense the sacredness of nature in the beauty of a forest or a flower, a child, or an animal. I think I feel this sometimes when I'm dancing or exercising to music that moves me--it feels transcendant, like nothing else matters at that moment, and also that everything is perfect as it is.

But we can, says Tolle, choose to be in this state as often as we like. Wow. What a power. So why don't we do it? He says our minds get in our way--our hangups with the past and with the future. Here's a great exercise he suggests:

Close your eyes. Sit quietly and say to yourself, "I wonder what my next thought will be." Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. Be like a cat watching a mouse hole. What thought is going to come out of the mouse hole? Try it now.

~~~

Most likely you'll have to wait a long time for a thought. He says this demonstrates that "as long as you're in a state of intense presence, you are free of thought. You are still, yet highly alert. The instant your conscious attention sinks below a certain level, thought rushes in. The mental noise returns; the stillness is lost. You are back in time."

That's how it was for me--took a while before a thought came. And now I have a new trick to use for when I try to meditate and have such a hard time quieting my brain. Is it possible that someone who lives alone has more opportunities for practicing this? Please share if you have any tricks for meditation or for when you can't fall back asleep in the middle of the night.

Single is not the antithesis of married

Boy, I don't think I'd ever seen the whole movie, Fatal Attraction, until tonight. What a symbolic representation of the way society views the single woman! Alone. Lonely. Desperate. Trying to steal the peace and serenity of the "happily married" couple.

Wait a minute. First of all, the guy decided to have sex with this woman despite his "happily married" state. Then when he was finished, he decided it was inconvenient to know her any longer. The way they get beyond his BS is to make the "other woman" character crazy and obsessive. Interesting how they shift the blame for the situation to the woman rather than the guy who chose to cheat on his spouse.

It's a really disturbing premise. And after the wonderful interview we had last night with Dr. Karen Gail Lewis (check it out here), I find it even more disturbing to consider the implications of this film. Bless Dr. Karen for helping us raise the consciousness of single, self-supporting, working women in our world today.

Yeah, yeah. Fatal Attraction is "just a story" - but it's representative of the societal prejudice that shapes and informs our society's attitude towards single women. The fact is that being single is not the antithesis of being married. It's a state that doesn't have to be related to "married" at all. It's a way of being in the world that denotes nothing except independence. And the problem is that our society considers an independant woman vaguely--and sometimes overwhelmingly--threatening.

Well, everybody might as well get used to it. So far 51% of American women are single. But that number's growing. Listen to Dr. Karen's interview last night and you'll begin to understand why.

"Embracing the blues"

Is it okay to be sad? What a question! It's part of life, right?

In a recent article "Embracing the Blues" (Utne Reader) author Julie Hanus asks the question--"Is the single-minded pursuit of happiness blocking true bliss?" Is America so focused on pathologizing sadness and so set on medicating us all into "happy" states, that we're cutting ourselves off from some of the richness of life--which includes being sad?

Well, let's see. True bliss. Whew. Big concept. Definitions: state of extreme happiness, ecstasy--a state of being carried away by overwhelming emotion. That second one rings a bell for me.

Have you felt bliss, seen it in your life? Was that it, that moment of powerful, transcendent connection between you and your beloved during sex? Was that it, holding that little baby in your arms and feeling like you now understand the meaning of life? Was it the time you got that bad news about your job and suddenly felt your dog lean against your leg and put her head on your knee?

Was it the moment you arrived home from your job and found your sister with Alzheimer's had set the table for you for dinner--something that normally never crossed her mind? What about the day your 11-year-old daughter welcomed you home from work on your birthday with balloons and signs all over proclaiming what a special day it was?

Was that bliss when you found out you had to have surgery and a long-lost friend wrote you a card that was so beautiful you cried? Did you feel it the day your father died? Was it a private time writing in your journal when you saw yourself clearly with all your faults and your good points--and felt complete peace and acceptance for that one moment?

I had a moment of crystal clarity once when I was 21 years old, living in England and alone for a month because my then-new-husband had gone off to Amsterdam. I told myself it was a revelation and that I should write it down. Now, several decades later, I still think the insight is a good one: Happiness is not a place you get to. It's what happens to you on your way.

And now I'd add, and it includes many of those defining moments of desolation, loss, and sadness.

Singles-Myth-Buster dePaulo uses humor to raise awareness

We love what Bella DePaulo is doing to fight the stereotypes assigned to single people, especially women. We've reviewed her book here and interviewed her for the SWWAN Dive radio show. Her scientific research is invaluable to the cause of SWWAN.

Now you have a chance to tune in to her Psychology Today blog and help her create a new way to help society recognize and get past its hangups about single women. Check it out and see if you can think of some entertaining questions for her new idea: The New SAT - Singles Aptitude Test

Women have to be twice as good...

I've seen some amazing catches in baseball, volleyball, and football over the years. This just may top them all...and the young WOMAN who catches this ball isn't even getting paid to play. ENJOY!

Oh, yeah, and have a wonderful love-and-fun-filled Fourth.