Science supports the SWWAN mission

Just finished a brilliant book, "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After," (St. Martin’s Press, 2006). Author Bella DePaulo, a Harvard-educated PhD who happens to be an ever-single, brings to light all the subtle, hidden, insidious ways in which American society discriminates against singles.

If you thought it was just you, or you thought it was just a few people around you with whom you sometimes feel less-than, you'll be very pleased to know that, in fact, not only are you not alone, but it's pervasive. Getting married in America gets you all kinds of perks and privileges you are pointedly--and often smugly--denied because you're single. And that includes a not-insignificant number of government-issued free passes and discounts. We'll talk more about that another time.

And today, when 51% of women in this country are single, these truths become not just appalling but incredible. I love how she says about certain facts, try saying this with the word "married" instead of single and see what kind of hell you'd raise. DePaulo calls this discriminatory pattern--and it is a pattern, not a few isolated incidents--singlism. She compares it--quite aptly and with scientific proof--to sexism, racism and every other case of widespread discrimination still practiced (with varying degrees of subterfuge) today.

Fifty-one percent? And listen to how arch-conservative Time magazine "yes, buts..." its way through an analysis of the book's carefully researched statistics.

"The Times got to 51% only[emphasis added] by including 2.4 million American females over 15 (of the 117 million total) who are married but aren't living with their husbands--but not because the marriage is troubled, according to Robert Bernstein, a press officer with the Census Bureau. Instead, they live in different places because of, say, a temporary work assignment such as military deployment. The paper also counts widows as women living without their husbands. Right. They're dead. Except for the infinitesimal number who killed their spouses, these women didn't give up on matrimony."

And there's more. How about this: "...it's true that Americans wait longer than ever to wed. But the rise in marrying age almost exactly mirrors the rise in life expectancy." What does maybe-living til 80 have to do with refusing to give up your freedom to be uniquely yourself when you're 22, 23, 24 and 25? Methinks though dost protest too much, Time.

But in the end, they can't nay-say the truths laid bare in this scholarly but very passionately written book about singles in America. They end with this: "There's good evidence that it is freedom that makes us healthy and happy, not the bonds of marriage."

We've invited Bella DePaulo to talk with us on the SWWAN Dive radio show. Stay tuned and we'll let you know when she'll be appearing.

Stick to love

Got this quote in the email today. A thought-provoker...

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

What makes people choose hate? Well, for one thing, it can feel very energizing. When we think about it, we can see there's a big difference in the type of energy you feel with hate than what you feel when practicing appreciation, gratitude and love. Energy comes in the wild, driving kind, the passionate kind that involves all your sexual being--that's the kind hate summons up. And it can make you feel heatedly alive.

But energy also comes in the quiet, enduring kind. The kind that fuels us through personal health challenges or the protracted illness of a loved one. The kind that helps us get through loneliness or depression. The kind that gets us through life's rough spots, hopefully in one piece. The kind we feel when we forgive those who do not understand or even acknowledge the challenges we face.

But Dr. King refers to hate as a burden. Yes, the burden of finding fault and blaming others also demands a lot of energy. It's ironic that we can fire ourselves up with hatred but then must continually pay the price of anger and judgmentalism in order to keep it going. So give yourself a break. Today, just choose love.

Got 10 to 12 Times Your Salary Saved for Retirement?

That's what they're saying it will take to have a comfortable retirement--ten to twelve times the salary you're making. Reporter Martha M. Hamilton says the statistics are woeful when it comes to those who've saved enough. But then she goes on to describe a report on the "average" baby boomers' retirement readiness::

"Another survey showed that workers on the leading edge of the baby boom have made progress in preparing for retirement. MetLife's Mature Market Institute surveyed 1,000 folks who are turning 62 in 2008 and found that their net worth (excluding home value) averaged $257,800. Their average annual income was about $71,400."

Wonder who the 1000 people were that MetLife surveyed for this report--and how many of them were single working women (a segment which is--in case we forgot--now 51% of all women in the U.S.).

Book review: "Eat. Pray. Love"...and while you're at it laugh

What a story. Gripping true-life story of a woman finding her way out of realizing she doesn't want a child, then her marriage, then the profound depression she finds herself in. Elizabeth Barrett is a writer (for GQ), and she really knows how to bring you into the story--hook, line, and laughter.

After all this misery the newly single author decides to "find herself" by taking a year off from her job and traveling to three places she's always wanted to visit: Italy, India, and Indonesia (Bali). Okay, I grant you this is probably not something most of us could easily pull off. But she's a writer and her editor decides to pay her for this trip if she'll write a book about it. Whew, what a dream, eh?

Anyway, she eats her way through Italy, practices deep self-discipline in an ashram in India, and learns balance---and falls in love---in Bali. If this type of scenario appeals to you I guarantee you, you will laugh, cry, nod, laugh, and cry some more.

I turned more page corners down in this book than I have in a long time. Here's is one particularly poignant passage:

"To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in American (or any) society. ... First you are a child, then you are a teenager, young person, married,parent, retired grandparent. At everry stage you know who you are, you know what your duty is, and you know where to sit at the family reunion" As you sit in the shade watching your progeny, the question "who are you?" is clearly answered--You're the person who created all this. The satisfaction of this knowledge is immediate, and moreover, it's universally recognized. "But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle...? ...You need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you've been a successfull human being."

She says Viriginia Woolf noted that women's lives have the shadow of a sword across them. On one side is conventionality, on the other confusion. Woolf argues that crossing over to the other side may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but it will certainly be a more perilous journey.

What a perfect description for many a single working woman's life--not easy, definitely not conventional, and often not very comfortable. Remember the line from the movie When Harry Met Sally, when Sally's best friend lays her head on her fiance's chest after witnessing Harry and Sally fighting and says, "Promise I'll never have to be 'out there' again."

Congratulations to all of us single working women for our courage and creativity in passionately living life on the other side of the sword.

Differences an excuse for bias

As a writer, I believe in the power of words to convey much more than literal meaning. And I tend to pay attention to the words people use to describe events, occurrences and other people. As a woman--and one who grew up during the women's liberation decades--I also tend to notice subtle biases in how people talk about men and women.

So it was with interest I read an article this morning describing a researcher's investigations into how men and women give directions differently. . This quote from Luc Tremblay, an assistant professor of physical education and health at the University of Toronto, who has led studies on the matter, demonstrates the quiet ways judgment can be rendered--and encouraged--by the way we choose our words.

"'Women are more dependent on a surrounding frame,' [he says]. If landmarks change, women are more apt to notice and question their sense of orientation. 'Men are capable of relying on another source of information alone.'"

Notice the choice of "dependent" to describe women's direction-giving abilities and the use of "capable of relying on" to describe men.

The rest of the article sounds more scientific--talking about inner ear canals and all that. But the set-up has been made: women are dependent, men are capable. Don't you think most people will tend to filter the rest of the article through that lens?

I'm not playing scientist here (I do that enough in my bioscience blog). But what I do want to know is, has Luc ever asked a fellow guy how to get somewhere and had him totally make something up because he has only the vaguest idea--and doesn't want you to know that he doesn't know? Happens to me all the time.

How to stay young

Got this in an email today, and it seemed like a perfect thing to share with you for the new year. Take them all to heart and you'll probably have a happier life--and most likely so will the people around you!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, or whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. At every opportunity, tell the people you love that you love them.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Uninsured have medical care options in Chicago

Was casting about looking for facilities in Chicago that serve uninsured patients and found a nice little collection (list is below). Meanwhile, I ran across this item, too:

AstraZeneca, one of the giants of the pharmaceutical world, recently instituted a program to help low-income individuals and families get free or low-cost medicine. They will supply the medicines to healthcare facilities run by "non-profit organizations that have a licensed outpatient pharmacy or dispensary on site," among other requirements. Patients should have no prescription drug coverage and have a household income of $30,000 or less for an individual, or $60,000 for a family of four.

This is a small piece of good news for some of the millions of people in the U.S. who are without healthcare coverage---which includes a good percentage of us single working women, some of them moms.

Happy 2008, folks. I hope you had an enjoyable beginning to your year and are fired up for good things to happen all 12 months coming up.

Here's a list of some of the medical care facilities for the uninsured in Chicago:

Erie West Town Health Center
1701 W. Superior Street
Chicago, IL 60622
(312) 666-3494

Erie Humboldt Park Health Center
2750 W. North Avenue
Chicago, IL 60647
(312) 666-3494

Community Health Clinic - UIC / Northwestern med students volunteer
2611 W. Chicago, 60622
773/395-9808

Pacific Garden Mission Clinic
647 S. State St., 60605
312/922-1462

Pilsen Homeless Health Services
731 West 17th Street, 60616
(312) 243-5226

Rush Community Service Initiatives
1725 W. Harrison, 60612
312/942-8116

St. Basil’s Free People’s Clinic
1850 W. Garfield Blvd., 60609
773/436-4870

Cook County Bureau of Health Services (312) 864-6004
offers guidance on finding medical care

Midwest College of Oriental Medicine - have been known to offer free acupuncture
4334 North Hazel Suite 206
Chicago, Illinois 60613
Telephone: 773-975-1295